such mixed emotions

so far, this christmas has been one of the most different ones that i can remember... but not in a bad way...

its been a memorable one... and a special one...

for some reason, i am more focused this year than ever on the caliber of that special night... my concentration always leads me to the emotions of that night and what mary must have been feeling and facing... and the questions she surely had... and how she wondered about the future and the plan for her unborn child's life... maybe because i'm understanding more about the "mother" side of the story...

after all, this is my pregnant christmas, ya know

and those very thoughts lead me beyond this christmas... to next christmas... it seems to require more effort to live in this moment and enjoy this christmas.

and i have to be very careful to not get too excited about next christmas... because i begin to "forget" how special this year is...

next year, eden will be here... and we will be celebrating baby's first christmas... and we look forward to the fun things that having her will bring to our christmas--teaching her about christmas and why we celebrate, the magic of santa (she'll be a bit young the first year--but we still get to do the fun part! SHOPPING!), hopefully seeing her first snow, and just plain ole havin' her around! :-D she'll most likely be crawling... and THAT simply amazes me--she's not even here yet, but she'll be CRAWLING!?!

and then i snap back into the need to enjoy this christmas for what it is... the last christmas that lee and i will spend without eden. no, not nearly as memorable as "baby's first christmas"... but since lee and i are a "retail family" christmas time is ALWAYS a busy time for us, and for the past 3 (at least 2, but i think 3) years, we've always had a date night on christmas eve. no where to go, no party to be at, no need to be home, and no work the next day for either of us ... it just became date night. and we cherish that night and look forward to it each holiday season. so, this year, we'll celebrate what will most likely be our last "christmas eve date night" for a while... and we will certainly enjoy it... no matter where we go, or what we do--even if we stay at home... we will surely savor our last christmas eve date night*

*yes, i know, eden will have family who will love it when she comes to spend time at their houses... but this is theoretically our last christmas eve date night. we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

i just feel like i'm straddling christmases... and taking away some of the special-ness of each one... (not that i know that i'm taking away special-ness from a christmas that hasn't happened yet--but i'm guessing i'll be "looking back" at THIS christmas next christmas thinking how different my life was "back then")

this might not make any sense to any of you but... there you have it. the pendulum swing of thoughts that i seem to re-visit everyday of this holiday season. special, yes... different, yes. these thoughts seem to lead one right into the other... and then repeat... in a never ending cycle...

and i might also add, that its been a little more difficult to get caught up in the "normal" (more secular) christmas stuff this year anyway... thanksgiving was so late... and really, seems like it was just last week! and here it is, one week until christmas. wow. BUT, that's neither here nor there. maybe just one more thing that makes this christmas... well, different. heck, i haven't even decorated the tree yet... and i never did put back out my pretty spotlights on the house that got messed up with the monsoon we had a few weeks ago. oh well.